Change is a good thing. I think it would be silly to assume people stay the same. I thought I was the same person and had the same interests I did in March of 2020, and earlier. But I don't. I was so sure that the lifestyle I had created for myself pre-pandemic would be the one I'd want to leap into quarantine. I was very wrong.
I had four weeks to myself in July of 2021. I filled those four weeks with activities that 2019 Clare would be jumping for joy over. And I convinced myself that 2021 Clare should be at the same level of excitement. I didn't want to go to anything. I got anxious, and that caused me to get sick before entering every large crowd. Atlantic City made my stomach drop. I went to Flynn's on Fire Island and wanted to leave before I even got on line. But I feared disappointing the friend I went with. I didn't want to be the one who held the experience back. I got sick before two different raves because the crowd was intimidating. I picked drinking and party favors to numb my feelings of distaste. I made a mistake. Most of all, I disappointed myself because I didn't stick to my guts. Or I stuck to them too late. I didn't attend Elrow on July 24th; I had already bailed on the two last shows I had tickets for. I've been trying to sell my Roo ticket. I can't change these past four weeks but I can behave like the person I want to be going forward.
You do not need to be who you used to be. I'm glad that I had those four weeks to learn that. I tried what I used to love, and realized that it doesn't bring me joy anymore. I'm glad I allowed myself the chance to experience it again, and decide on my own that it's not what I want. I put on an act for social media because I wanted to seem happy. I love the wigs, the glitter, and the costume. But I don't love who I am in that environment anymore. I don't love how I've been. I don't need the sensory overload of a large crowd, lights, and noise. I'd be quite happy wearing my plastic hair and watching the set list on YouTube from the comfort of a bed. I'd love to be making snacks, drinking beers from the last local release, and streaming a show from a backyard patio instead of waiting on line with the masses for a ticket event.
RIP Raver Clare - you were a fun phase. But you do not define who I am and who I am becoming.