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Condiment Power Rankings 2022

I drive a 2002 Ford Explorer Sport Trac. Beau is a killer. But he has one major flaw. It's not that he can't go over 40 miles an hour without shaking. It's not that the back window is literally held on with glue and duct tape. Shockingly, it isn't that the gas gauge doesn't read properly or that the driver's door needs to be manually locked. Beau's flaw is the he doesn't have blue tooth and his cassette-tape-with-plug method of playing music is also busted. I've broken many dongles and now the cassette just doesn't want to be my friend.


Why do I share this story? Welll....I listen to the radio. I do not drive often but when I do, it's radio the whole time. I'll listen to The Shark or maybe 106.1 BLI. I wish I could hate on K-Love but having it on makes me feel like Beau can't break down; Christian music blaring has to mean someone is watching over us. And while switching between these stations on the commute from hell (aka any time on the Belt Parkway)...I heard two hosts and plenty of callers get into the debate of what the best condiment is and where the rest rank. Like always, I have my own two cents to add.


1. Mustard

I love it! I love honey mustard, dijon, spicy, brown, yellow, and french. I couldn't stand it until a few months ago but now I put it on everything and anything. I don't know what clicked and changed my mind but I'm so glad it happened. Mustard is so elite; there are so many varieties. Oh! And remember the Oskar Blue's Mustard Beer? Clearly the beer people of the world also agree mustard is #1. I mean I don't see any barbecue beers out there....


2. McDonald's Sweet & Sour

Sweet & Sour is a great condiment. Although, I usually only reserve it for fries and not sandwiches - it's still my #2. I specifically listed McDonald's compared to other fast food chains. It is top tier but Wendy's is a close second. McDonald's has a syrup-like-fakeness that I just love. Burger King has their own S&S too but I can't even put that in the competition. PS - I know Duck Sauce is a beast of its own but I'm wrapping it in this category.


3. KFC Sauce

Colonel Harland Sanders knew what he was doing with this one. Plus I can't help but admire it's exclusivity. Chick-fil-A could have had points for having their secret sauce be exclusive but then they went and bottled that sh*t for commercial shelfs.


4. Relish

Excuse me...it's a sauce made up entirely of pickles...it's amazing.


5. Mayo

Mayo is iconic. Have you not seen any of the Hellmenn's commercials? Mayo is a requirement for all my deli meat sandwiches. But it makes #5 because it's the best base. Potato salad? You need some mayo. Any random chipotle aioli or special sauce usually has mayo as its base. Mayo is the backbone of the condiment society.


6. Honey BBQ

BBQ is an American favorite; Honey BBQ is my favorite. I prefer to slather my boneless wings in this thicc sauce but however you do it, do you.


7. Hooters' Lemon Pepper

I'd say it's an emotional attachment sauce. I used to work at Hooters and whenever it would be a bad day or just slow, my work besties Jabar and Kyle would whip me up some lemon pepper boneless wings or lemon pepper shrimp. It holds a special place in my heart.


8. Ketchup

It's basic but dependable. You can expect it to be basically everywhere food is sold. We all love it but it's a tad overrated which is how it's ended up at the end of this ranking.


9. Jelly/Jam

You can have jam for breakfast or with a cheese danish as a desert. It's an all day condiment. Raspberry, strawberry, grape, all of the varieties! I like the farm-stand type the most but I'm not wildly picky here. I'll eat anything.


10. Maple Syrup

Remember about four seconds ago when I said I wasn't picky? Scratch that. I am VERY particular about my syrup. I only accept the very best and ship it in from Vermont. Maple Syrup adds so much to breakfast and I don't think the most important meal of the day would be complete without it.


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